When the idea arrived for L’Assassiner de Faux Faux Amis, one of the bonuses was already having a killer band in place to perform the show. Almost instantly, that fell apart. Our drummer Darren bowed out with health problems, and Catherine elected not to take part. Finding replacements has taken time – I finally locked in the line-up a couple of weeks ago but just had another member unavoidably pull out. It’s been two steps backward for every step forward, and the performance date is a train hurtling towards me.

In my brief moments of despair, the stress makes me wonder where this pressure to create even comes from. I have a good job, a great wife, plenty of friends – why do I quixotically persist with these ever-more ambitious projects?

Intelligent people live their lives as nearly on a level as possible—try to be good, don’t worry if they aren’t, hold to such opinions as are comforting and reassuring and throw out those which are not. And in the fullness of their days they die with none of the tearing pain of failure because having tried nothing they have not failed. These people are much more intelligent than the fools who rip themselves to pieces on nonsense. – John Steinbeck

The ‘nonsense’ he refers to is writing, but could be any form of art (and it’s not just the pain of trying that artists experience, it’s also that feeling of wasting your time when you are not pursuing a creative endeavour). I feel his point deeply – I don’t know where this drive comes from or why I have got it, but I know I will be slave to it the rest of my life.

I’m scrambling to find a replacement now, and hoping we still have sufficient time to rehearse. Personally, I reckon Steinbeck had it easy – he only had to organise himself!

On a lighter note, here’s the image I sent our costume designer to indicate the colour I wanted.